BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S3E08: Ready, Aim, Marry Me!

This episode has everything. Drunk weddings, reading lessons, slug fellatio, decapitations, baby names, discussions about faith and semantics, and also that thing where a dwarf decides not to take a girl's virginity?

But seriously folks, this was a great episode. Did it perhaps have to do with the fact that Theon doesn't appear, and instead we get plenty of Dany and Gendry (specifically, boobs, butt and penis base)? I'd certainly say so.

We pick up with Arya though, who is now traveling with Rooster Faceburn and contemplating bashing his head in with a rock. That is, until she finds out he's simply planning on returning her to her mother safely. Did Arya actually smile a little, at the end there? I love that one of the major dramatic ironies of this show is that nobody in Westeros knows what a nice dude The Hound is. Just a big old fire-fearing sweetheart! Who murders people ruthlessly, but still.

In Yunkai, Dany is sporting a snappy headscarf and continuing to pop off one-liners just relentlessly. I love when you trash talk, girl! Even Jorah and Bartista seem to be stepping up their verbal game. Hard to keep up with Khaleesi, though; in another life she'd be a battle-rapper.

So, today she's visited by three pervy mercenary captains working for the Yunkai slavers, who later articulate their plight in a deft little scene reminiscent of the one in Lincoln in which Abe explains the constitutional catch-22 he's in, but like if the scene in Lincoln featured a girl sitting on William Seward's lap trying not to fall out of her clothes. It would have been a welcome addition, right? See, the mercenaries have pledged to help the Slavers, but now see they are outmanned by our gal Dany. But if they go back on their contract, nobody will want to hire them in the future. Unwilling to fight the SlaveWOWs but also unwilling to defect, Two out of three Slavers decide Dany has to be assassinated. But then they make the other guy do it. Maybe don't trust the task to the no vote, huh? Later, Taboo shows up while Dany's in the bath. Rather then kill her, he dumps the heads of his two compatriots out of a bag. Dany decides that is worth showing him her tits, and a new partnership is born.

In Dragonstone, Stannis frees Jon Swanson, who immediately gets back in his King's face about his latest antics. He and Stannis have a very interesting relationship, obviously pretty reminiscent of Robert and Ned, where Stannis pretty much constantly tells Jon to STFU and Jon never, ever does. But it's especially welcome this time, as Melisandre has returned with Gendry and plans to sacrifice him to the Lord Of Light. Jon Swanson is like, "Dude. No." So Melisandre fucks Gendry and puts some slugs on his dick, to prove…something. Wait, what was that supposed to prove? ("Nothin', I just wanted to put slugs on a dude's dick."-Mel)

Here's the tricky part, though: as previously stated, The Lord Of Light seems like the only god with honest boots on the ground. The male members of the Stark family seem to mostly worship the Old Gods, who haven't done shit to stop them from getting kicked around the whole continent for the past three years. The Lannisters and Cat Stark ostensibly worship The Seven, and that's obviously a mixed bag right there. Arya worships the god of Death, but she hasn't been able to kill nearly as many people as we'd like her to.* So as much as I dig Jon Swanson's little Atheistic story about inventing Gods to comfort children, that shit just doesn't play in Westeros. So how do you solve a problem like Melisandre? Doesn't Robert have some other, less cool bastard out there we can sacrifice instead?

(*The only real match for the Lord Of Light, it seems, is Dany herself. That's her religion: the church of I'm A Fucking Baller, Get The Fuck Up Out My Way. (Other noted practitioners of this religion: Bronn.))

And then we get the first of our many promised weddings, and boy is it awkward! Forced to marry Sansa, Tyrion copes by getting sing-song drunk. Meanwhile Joffrey attempts to reach new heights of dickishness, and mostly succeeds. Cercei just gives up and basically just says "fuck you" to anyone who even tries to talk to her. And Lady Olenna has one of her funniest monologues yet, trying to draw out her newly tangled family tree: "One thing is for certain, your brother will be your new father in law." But when it comes time to consummate, Tyrion just can't do it. I mean, he can DO IT, he makes sure Sansa knows, but he doesn't want to. She remains Sansa The Unfucked, First Of Her Name. Will someone fuck her next week? Tune in to find out!

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S3E07: The Color Blue

photo by Terry Richardson

I watched Game Of Thrones seasons 1 and 2 before I picked up any of the books, but between seasons two and three I read ahead. I did that on purpose; I like having a varied perspective. I experienced the Harry Potter series and Twilight (of course) the same way, and I'd highly recommend it to you, whenever possible. It keeps you interested in both iterations, rather than one (usually) ruining the other.

And this week's episode of Game Of Thrones was, to me, quite interesting, because the vast majority of it was not in the books. Which also made me a little uneasy, because presumably the show is still headed in the general direction the books are, meaning that a lot of the dust being kicked up right now will ultimately amount to nothing. It probably doesn't help that today I also re-watched some of the Mad Men episodes where Don was banging that pretty school teacher. What happened to her? I miss her.

Then again: does everything need to lead to something? Isn't the impression that "all the pieces matter" what makes so many shows irritating? Lost? How I Met Your Mother? Maybe I should be okay with Game Of Thrones occasionally wandering in a circle. Such is life, right? And maybe they're doing it for my benefit as a book reader. Does it sound like I'm trying to talk myself out of thinking this was a bad episode?

OK, enough of that. What happens in this episode? Well, Robb and his wife are having a baby! Oh good, the gods really need ANOTHER Stark to fuck with endlessly, right? Hey, do you think Robb Stark yells "Winterfell!" when he orgasms?

Elsewhere, now on the civilized side of the wall, Ygritte makes fun of the idea of "roads," only to be dazzled later in the episode by a broken-down windmill. Girl, just wait. You are about to SEE some SHIT. But how can anybody be impressed by any structure more than a 700-foot ice wall? Later, our girl Y dodges a weird pick-up attempt by Gareth from The Ouffice and then gets a history lesson from Jon Snow (long story short--this isn't the first time the Wildlings have invaded the south and it won't be the last). She has the best line of the episode, the only somewhat Bon Jovi-y "We'll die, but first we'll live."And then Ginger Bigfoot gives sex advice to Jon, I guess, or maybe just to everybody? Is that how he entertains them all on long hikes?

Sansa, fresh from hearing she'll be wed to Tyrion, is pretty upset. But Marge tells her to look on the bright side--sure, some may see Tyrion as half-short, but optimists see him as half-tall! Plus Marge hears he's good at sex and thinks his scar is sexy. Marge is an interesting lady, huh? Meanwhile Tyrion and Bronn have a conversation about the morality of thinking about fucking Sansa. To think about fucking Sansa or not to think about fucking Sansa--that is the question yet again. For a lot of people really. Later, Tyrion deals with the now very angry and jealous Shae, a character for whom I am abruptly losing my patience!

In the far east, Dany's dragons and wit are growing ever stronger and faster. She's about to invade another slave city, and treats with one of the overseers, a guy who seems to be always on the verge of breaking into a Jersey mobster accent. Obviously she'll kill them all soon, but we have to wait an episode or two for that. There were some kind of Kubrickian flourishes in the Dany section this week which I really enjoyed, by the way. Dig the one-point perspective in the first cap below!

Last few things:

• Arya, dissatisfied with the Brotherhood after they sold out Gendry, wanders from camp and gets kidnapped by The Hound. Out of the frying pan and into the other frying pan and into the other frying pan and into the other frying pan and into the other frying pan as usual for our girl Arya. Whatever, she'll be fine. 

• Theon continues to languish in a meta version of Eli Roth's Hostel. The less said about it the better. But you know, there was at least some gratuitous nudity!

• Osha tells a boring story. Bran's plot advances exactly zero percent. 

• Jamie, on his way back to King's Landing, learns from Maester Mengele that Brienne, still captive at Harrenhall, is going to be tonight's "entertainment" for Locke and his asshole friends. So he goes rushing back and gets to be in, to date, this show's most heroic "guy jumping down from a thing" shot. Yeah Jamie's redemption arc! I love it! He saves Brienne from a fucking bear (by, fair enough, mostly just standing in the way for a sec) and they set out for King's Landing together. As it should be, forever and ever, amen.

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S3E06: Chaos Is A Ladder, Love Is A Rope

Recently I heard somebody talking about the essence of the modern GOP strategy: faced with a crushing defeat in 2008, they were so at a loss as to what to do that the only option was to just act like they'd won. It worked, mostly, and it reminds me a little of what Melisandre is up to in this episode. I mean, lady just marches into the Doctors Without Borders camp and takes Gendry for a couple bags of money. What? Who do you think you are, Melisandre?

Thoros (who is Red Priest just like her, if that wasn't clear before now), who has just demonstrated his theological superiority, doesn't say a damn thing. Gendry JUST pledged to your frat, bro. At least ask her a few questions, and then maybe you'll realize she's the one who just got her red ass handed to her by Tyrion Lannister on Blackwater Bay. With a buttload of FIRE, no less. RED FLAG, RED PRIEST! She is not a winner, Thoros. Gendry is a winner! You shoulda done right by him, you knockoff Robinhood motherfucker.

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ANYWAY, yeah, that is one of the things that happens in this episode. The Red Lady kidnaps Gendry because Baratheon blood flows through his veins, and she needs to blood dope Stannis to get him back up to shadow-baby-conceiving condition. I mean, that is probably what is going to happen. But strictly speaking, none of this is in the book. So who knows what the fuck is going on really.

Elsewhere: Jon Snow and Ygritte take a nerve-jangling climb to the top of the wall. After an avalanche of sorts leaves them hanging in mid-air, Gareth from The Office (the UK Office, that is, so, The Ouffice) makes the tough decision (very quickly, I might add!) to cut 'em loose. But Jon gets a handhold at the last minute and he and his lady pull themselves up and survive. So, like, shit's going to be awkward between them and Gareth now, huh? Yikes. When they get to the top, there is honestly a very beautiful and tender moment between our lovers. Like, that Collective Soul song would almost work, unironically, under that scene. How much do you love Ygritte's Jon Snow impression, by the way?

In King's Landing, everybody is having awkward conversations. Tywin and Lady Olenna (two heavyweights of verbal gymnastics) spar over the plan to wed Cercei to Knight One Direction. She plays the "old" card, he plays the "gay" card, she plays the "incest card." This is going to be a fun wedding! Elsewhere, Tyrion steels himself for the task of dashing Sansa's hopes and dreams--I mean what few she had left--to fucking dust. I really liked seeing Tyrion and Cercei having another moment of detente, as they contemplated their collectively sorry fate. Those moments are rare, but always interesting and very well-acted.

***

There's also a FOURTH wedding being planned (The first three being Cercei/Loras, Tyrion/Sansa, and Joffrey/Margery for those keeping score at home) but don't even for a second think this is shaping up to be a bunch of goofy Shakespearean merriment. If that were the case, Roz would still be lingering on the sidelines of the action, offering witty commentary, instead of where she ends up in this episode--tied to a bedpost and pumped full of arrows (thanks to Littlefinger's new side-business as a Dexter's Dad). RIP, Roz. The Ann Perkins of Westeros is no more. Anyway, Wedding #4: Cat's brother, Ugly Ryan Reynolds, gets promised off to another of Walder Frey's kids in the do-over version of the last treaty, thus keeping Robb's Coalition Of The Northern Willing together. Robb once again laments that for all this success in battle, everything seems to ride on who is having lawful sex with whom.

But isn't that kind of a beautiful thing, in a way? I love when Ygritte explains to Jon the point of all her teasing: he's focused on war and loyalty when he should be focused on sex and love. All the other shit is extraneous. War and loyalty are the only things Starks understand, and that's why nothing ever goes their way. They gotta get with the times; out with the ice and in with the fire!

Of course, Ygritte's speech takes second place to Littlefinger's final monologue about chaos and power. It's a terrifying thing to glimpse the depths of that guy's evil cunning; even Varys seems taken aback, and he keeps a mutilated priest in a box! When you make that guy blush, you know you're throne gaming it with the best of them.

Oh, and of course there is another elliptical Theon scene in which Asshole Hobbit reveals new information only to walk it back yet again, leaving Theon in exactly the same spot he has been in all season, give or take a finger. What the fuck is this shit, guys? Why include such a deliberately antagonizing plotline? When the DVD comes out, I hope there is a Twilight-esque special feature where you can watch the episodes with the Theon stuff edited out. Shit, that is a good idea. Somebody get David Benioff on the phone! (I just googled him to make sure I spelled his name right. Did you know he's married to Amanda Peet?)

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S3E05: Married...With "Children"

As if inspired by last week's scorched-earth conclusion, this week's episode gets wild right from the start. In the first 15 minutes we get death, resurrection, Ygritte's tits, and a grisly view of Jamie's stump. That's what I'm talking about, y'all! Welcome back to fuckin' Westeros!

The Hound is given his day in court, which as we learned back in season 1, usually just consists of a fight to the death. Yes, it is imperfect, but think how much citizens of Westeros save on legal fees! And despite Beric Dondarrion's dick move of setting his sword on fire (that's just so tacky, Beric) the Hound manages to cut him practically in half and wins his freedom. But he leaves pretty spooked, as Beric Notdeadagain rises to his feet a few minutes later, doing his signature little side-nod and smirk--the universal signal for "THAT SHIT JUST HAPPENED." 

Later, Gendry concludes that the Brotherhood is sufficiently badass for his badass self to join, and Arya, soon to be ransomed back to her mother and Robb, feels abandoned yet again. I feel for you Arya, and I hope that we get to see Gendry in future episodes, but dude has a point. I mean, if you get cut in half, the Brotherhood has a dude who can fix you! You gotta get with that program if they'll let you, that's just obvious.

Up above the wall, Ygritte playfully grabs Jon's sword (not one for subtle gestures, that girl) and he chases her into a wet cave (yeah, the symbolism here is pretty stark) where they finally get their fuck on. I was weirdly happy for Jon Snow. Get some, my brother! Show her how they do it Southern style!

Jamie and Brienne are delivered to Roose Bolton, who shows disdain for the handmade necklace his men have given Jamie (heh) but needlessly fucks with our boy only moments later, letting him believe briefly that Stannis successfully took King's Landing while he was captive. Seriously, what was that shit? Last week Mad Men made a 30 Rock reference--is Game Of Thrones doing Arrested Development now?

Meanwhile, everybody in Robb's camp apparently spent last week getting sexy makeovers. What up, Robb, with that open collar! Looking good, man. What up, Lady Cat, with your hair all down? Grief agrees with you, my lady. Looking significantly less sexy is Lord Karstark, the one who has had a murderboner for like two straight seasons now. When he and his compatriots kill two Lannister children Robb is holding captive at Riverrun, Robb executes him, despite the (correct, as it turns out) council from his wife and advisors that to do so will cost him the rest of the Karstark bannermen. Like father, like son, generally unwilling to play the game. The stubborn apple doesn't fall far from the stubborn tree--and why would it? But later, Robb is seized with inspiration. He'll make up with Walder Frey (one of like a dozen people he has grievously offended so far) and attack the Lannister HQ, Casterly Rock. Well, that's as good a plan as any, I guess!

In King's Landing, everybody hears about the Tyrell plan to wed Sansa to Knight One Direction like, right away (I kinda felt bad for Loras--his sexy new boyfriend is a spy!). And if you were throwing up your hands at all the sixth-amendment-shattering battles to the death earlier in this episode, it must really grind your gears to realize that whoever breaks Sansa's hymen first gets to control Winterfell. And thus The Race To Fuck Sansa begins! Tywin orders Tyrion to marry her instead, a plan that Cercei (and Zac, morbidly) finds delightful. But who will marry Loras?! Turns out ol Tywin has a plan for that too! Batter up, Queen Eyebrow!

The weirdest scenes of this episode give us a glimpse into Stannis's domestic life. It's weird. Like, even weirder than you probably guessed. His wife and deformed daughter (I don't get it--was like, Stannis's grandfather a gargoyle?) live in a creepy tower with the bodies of his miscarried sons in pickle jars. It's some Mütter Museum shit.

Mrs. Stannis tells him that she knows he banged the Red Lady, and she thinks it is just great (she's a big time Holy R'hllor, as it happens). I want to see these scenes with like, a sitcom laugh track. Anyway, his daughter starts sneaking down to the dungeon to hang out with John Swanson, and Stannis goes to his garage to work on his Mustang or something.

Blogging Game Of Thrones, S3E04: Illest Motherfucker Alive

So, the thing about Dany is that we, as viewers, never really have to reconcile our allegiance to her with our allegiance to other folks in Throne World. She's off on another continent, doing her thing, and her desires don't generally interfere with those of our other main characters. We have to think about whether we'd rather see Tyrion or Robb or Stannis (who THE FUCK roots for Stannis but you know) triumph over the others on a weekly basis, but with Dany we never really have to kick those tires and as such, we're never really sure how much air is in them. To put it another way: we know we're all on Team Dany, but how much are we on Team Dany?

As for me: after this episode, Dany could fly to Westeros and cook Arya on a spit and I'd still be like YOU GO GIRL. The Mother Of Dragons has my sword like whoa. How crushingly badass were those last few minutes? I think these gifs (one, two) capture it about as well as anything else. But we'll get to the details in a second.

***

In King's Landing, Joffrey's boner for Marge grows ever harder, and Cercei's eyebrows rise ever higher. There's a moment where the Queen ("Queen Regent."-Marge) is so on guard, she comes across like fuckin' Sansa: Lady Olenna tries to bond with her by complaining about the men in their lives specifically and the patriarchy in general, but Cercei stays firmly behind a wall of icy courtesy. C'mon, Cercei! Complaining about gender roles is your shit! You know you want to make friends with this lady. We all do. 

Meanwhile: things are not going well for Jamie at all. He's got his sword hand on a string around his neck and his captors are punking him relentlessly. It's like, hey guys, maybe give your cruel joke a minute to breathe before you launch right into the next fifty cruel jokes, am I right? They've got a "Robin Williams on coke" sense of comedic pace. But hey, at least Jamie's bonding with Brienne! And hey, at least he's not one of the guys Varys keeps tied up in boxes! Speaking of which: YIKES, Varys!

Varys is all over this episode. Tyrion comes to him looking for clues about who might have tried to kill him during the battle of Blackwater, and Varys responds with a longwinded story about how he got um, those scars, which you only realize after about five minutes has literally nothing to do with what Tyrion asked about in the first place. Get better conversation skills, Varys! Then he's chatting with  Joan Holloway, who it turns out is passing him a lot of intel on Lord Baelish's cummings and goings. (This is how she repays Littlefinger for helping her climb the professional ladder--she goes all Deep Throat on him? Well, maybe we need a better code name for this one.) Finally, Varys goes to Lady Olenna to inform her of Littlefinger's plans to steal, and maybe marry, Sansa. It's hard to know what Littlefinger's actual plan is, but it's also hard to know what Varys and Olenna want with her. Poor Sansa! Girl is always half in and half out of six or seven poorly articulated traps at once. But hey, at least she gets to joke around with Marge on the docks for a while, carefree if only for a moment. And hey, at least she's not one of the guys Varys keeps tied up in boxes!

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Elsewhere: Bran is still learning to lucid dream like some asshole college freshman. Arya and Gendry meet Beric Dondarrian, a real haggard motherfucker you probably don't remember from season 1 (he was the guy Ned Stark sent after Gregor Clegane when he was on the throne for the day) who now leads Doctors Without Borders. And Theon learns a valuable lesson about journeys being more important that destinations. See, remember the Hobbit Hipster from last time who claimed to be helping Theon on his sister's behalf? Turns out he was just playing a weird game with himself where he led Theon away from the dungeon, killed the men who came after him, and then brought him back to the dungeon and blamed him for the killings. Um, OK? So now Theon is back on the torture rack and we are EXACTLY where we started three episodes ago. Is it me or did this seem like something from the Weeds playbook? It felt less like a deliberate feint and more like a stalling tactic. But at least Theon finally realized murdering children was wrong!

But even if the rest of this episode is kind of aimless and aggrivating, the final two sequences make up for everything and then some. Above the wall, at Craster's house, tensions boil over between the Night's Watchmen and Uber-Patriarch. Daughter Fucker is killed, and when Lord Mormont tries to step in he's murdered by his own men. Sam, thinking quickly for literally the first time in his entire life, grabs Cassie and her newborn baby and bails. Good on you, Sam! And hi, Cassie!

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And then finally, oh man. This fucking shit is so rad: Dany shows up to inspect her newly purchased SlaveWOWs. She hands over the dragonleash to Offer Shlomi and he gives her the whip, giving her official control over ten grand or so Unsullied. So she immediately orders them to kill their former masters and to destroy the city. FUCKKKKKKKK YESSSSSSSS. And then her dragon (I mean literally every word out of Dany's mouth in this scene is pure, unadulterated badassery the likes of which I have maybe never seen on television, but the pinacle of said badassery is certainly the clear, confident order: "dracarys") sets Offer Shlomi on fire. AND THEN Dany informs her slaves that they are freed and may do as they wish, but she would like it if they'd join her on the march. And honestly, who says no to the Motherfucking Mother Of Dragons?